Time for a funny

We have dogs that live with us.  We originally got them for practical purposes, to work on the farm by scaring away deer and other vermin.  But they have not done their jobs and have become dogs for entertainment value only.

  There are four dogs that eat us out of house and home, whatever that means. They do little more than sleep all day and all night or stand under my son’s cabin window and bark all night. One of the dogs has gotten the idea that this would be her lifelong job. As a result, she has gotten a few hits from my son with a paintball gun in the middle of the night. But she hasn’t caught on that keeping the humans awake is a very unwise way to spend her life. I think her Pyrenees’ instincts tell her that all the “livestock” are not in the barn, so it is her duty to remind the last remaining “livestock” to get to the barn before danger comes.  The “livestock” then proceeds to coat her with globs of paint, which the Pyrenees deduces as the danger from which the “livestock” must be saved. So the battle rages night after night.

For many years we had just two dogs, a Dalmatian and a Shetland sheepdog, but because there was so much deer damage to our gardens, we thought we had better get some insurance for our produce.  It would come in the form of the faithful, hardworking, nocturnal Great Pyrenees.  We had heard that these dogs, when about 18 months old, would keep any predator away from its territory day or night. So we got a beautiful 4 -week -old puppy full of life and already larger than our sheepdog. In a mere 17 months she would be huge and ready to take on the task of protecting our pumpkins.   When the time came near to her “graduation” into usefulness, she, one day, got too near the moving car and broke her leg.  Just as she was beginning to be nocturnal, she had to recuperate from the injury, which meant sleeping all night.  This routine became something she enjoyed, and when her leg was mended, she was still recuperating every night, while the deer were feasting on our pumpkins.

With the predators still at large, we heard that a hunting friend had a dog he needed to get rid of.  It had the terrible, annoying habit of chasing deer off his property.  This was the dog’s mission in life, and I decided that I wanted her. She would be the answer to our garden problems.  She could not only keep the deer away, but she could teach the Pyrenees to do the same. 

When the dog arrived at my house I felt that restful nights were ahead for me, until she jumped out of the truck. The Pyrenees shifted into property protection mode and proceeded to almost kill her. It was a couple of weeks before the new dog, a sort of German Sheppard, and the Pyrenees came to an understanding which was, “I’ll only take you out if you’re not looking.”

It was one day after we had acquired the last of the four dogs, when a neighbor dog named Buck came calling. Now Buck was a fairly new resident to the area but had never, until this day, set foot on my property.  He was quite enamored with our new resident as she with him, and it got me wondering why Buck hadn’t shown up sooner.  We had had three females here all this time, but it wasn’t until this last one came that Buck made his way over.  What did our new dog have that the others did not?  I looked over the motley crew and realized what I had was a bunch of circus dogs in my possession.  A Pyrenees, a Shetland sheepdog, and a Dalmatian mix weren’t normal dogs after all but, the fat lady, the midget and the clown of the traveling circus.  Now what self -respecting mandog would be interested in any of these women?  He was interested in, if I may keep with the circus scenario, the beautiful lady on the flying trapeze.  

Buck had found a babe in the sort –of German Sheppard, but the Dalmatian would have none of it.  She proceeded to curse Buck and let him know that he wasn’t needed around the place.  I could hear her yelling, “Don’t touch that, don’t mark that, this is our territory.  We don’t need a man here, it already smells bad, go on home where you belong.”  The Pyrenees didn’t see him as a predator but just one of the livestock to coral into the barn.  And the sheepdog disappeared like a genie, something she does anytime there is a problem.

Since none of these dogs, including Buck, had been fixed, I wasn’t sure what to do about the situation.  So I called my neighbor whom Buck owned and told him about the problem.  He came over right away to retrieve the escapee, and told me that this dog was supposed to be the replacement for his trusty old chocolate lab that had passed away a few months previous.  He said he had been very fond of his old dog, because he would obediently stay at home.  This one was forever running off and causing no end of trouble. 

                                                       

I asked him what the old dog’s name was.  He said it was Bismark, to which I replied the problem lies in the choice of name for this new dog. You see, Bismarck is a food name and no dog wants to go cavorting around the neighborhood with a food name attached to his person.  It would ruin his reputation to have to admit to the ladies that he was named after a pastry.   Now Buck is a manly name and a proud name to proclaim to his prospective women.  If you were to change his name to Biscuit or Bun, Buck would probably be filled with shame and stay home like Bismarck did.

I don’t think my neighbor thought too much of my idea, and Buck who is still Buck, is making his way over here every now and then.  It’s probably too late for a name change anyway unless it’s Betty or Bertha, because next week Buck is going to go visit the doctor.

So we have four dogs and still no garden protection.  The sort-of-German Sheppard has forgotten what deer look like and is too in love to care.  The Pyrenees still recuperates at night, and the Dalmatian and sheepdog both disappear like genies whenever danger appears. 

 My pumpkins are the talk of deer town, and word has gotten around the woods that there is free restaurant food for those in need.

I can’t fight nature so I might as well put up a weekly special sign in the window and give up.